"The Marvels," the latest entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, has managed to set a new low for the franchise, and that's saying something given its competitors. This movie is like if you took a blender, threw in a bunch of colorful comic book pages, hit 'puree,' and then spilled it all over a green screen. The film stars Carol Danvers, Monica Rambeau, and Kamala Khan, who, despite their individual charisma, end up getting lost in a script that's more jumbled than a teenager's bedroom. The narrative is an indecipherable mess, trying to cram in multiple storylines and connect back to other MCU properties, resulting in a story that feels like it's been stitched together by a confused Frankenstein.
The visual effects are a disaster. Imagine the most spectacularly hideous CGI you've seen, then dial it back a decade. We've got scenes where giant boulders look like they were crafted from spray-painted Styrofoam, and lighting so flat it makes everything look like a high school play set. And let's not forget the gimmick where our heroines switch places whenever they use their powers, leading to a chaotic narrative that's as confusing as trying to read a map upside down in a rollercoaster.
Then, there's the action. If you enjoy watching characters soar across the screen like fireballs in a fireworks factory, only to engage in fights as thrilling as a game of rock-paper-scissors, you're in for a treat. It's all exhaustingly monotonous and makes you wonder if the director was just randomly yelling "more explosions" between yawns.
So, in conclusion, "The Marvels" is a Marvel movie that marvelously manages to be unmarvelous in every conceivable way. It's like watching a parade of missed opportunities march by, while you're standing there, popcorn in hand, wondering why you didn't just stay home and watch paint dry. It's a cinematic facepalm.